13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Geez man, take it easy.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake