lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
You Might Also Like
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”