So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
any last words?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Always…
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you