sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.