My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes