I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Breaking news:
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.