“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i鈥檓 not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it鈥檚 easier to eat less. i don鈥檛 wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that鈥檚 been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I鈥檇 be salaried and at my current level of compensation
馃ぃ馃ぃ
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Happy Febuary everyone!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 馃檪
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it鈥檚 been a while since I鈥檝e had it- mac & cheese
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore