One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
dam girl
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
O Wise One….
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries