Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.