Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Only short people can save us
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*