Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
And now we wait
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
🌱🌱🌱
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.