The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
listen closely
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”