The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
security at the airport getting more straightforward