The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Battery falling down a hole
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.