Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.