Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Simple
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.