A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You Might Also Like
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”