a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW