Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
shut up and take my money
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.