Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
What the hell happened in there??
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?