Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed