I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My dad.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.