first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
omg leave her alone
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.