Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Reporter: *ports again*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
That stupid look on my face, is my face