Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You Might Also Like
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.