did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Oh yeah that’s it
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.