imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.