You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup