Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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From my Mom
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
He’s dead
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.