Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.