Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Monica just destroyed the internet