Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
You Might Also Like
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Xylophonist Shredding It
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.