Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.