-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
You Might Also Like
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
just pretend nothing happened
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.