thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Livid.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Breaking news:
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.