I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.