Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid