14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.