“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
crazy
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’