Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving