[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn鈥檛 let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Alice: I鈥檓 late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that鈥檚 my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Don鈥檛 check on your introverted friends this time of year. They鈥檙e probably turning their lights off and pretending they鈥檙e not home
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I鈥檓 literally crying
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let鈥檚 go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.