Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.