where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist