Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
So sick of all these stupid rules
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.