Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”