People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh