How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You Might Also Like
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship