3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”