Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.