Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
love it when they get my name right
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.